Everyday i go to war with me, myself, and them. Them being the whole got damn student body, and the damn administration. And i am tired, tired of getting of getting picked on but never getting picked to play basketball. Tired of selling myself short for false friendships. Tired of feeling like i'm all alone in these overcrowded classrooms. I am just tired.... of dreaming to hard, i'm hangin my hope on a noose because hope is dead to me and i'm wondering if me and hope are symmetrical. because i will never be homecoming king, never be a star athlete, and will never be recognized for being myself... and i'm tired... Third period P.E. got me running scared and my insecurities start erupting along my ears, which become tinted red like rosey cheeks, after being tripped on my warm up lap by the high school quarterback. As tear drops leak from bare skin onto raw pavement, i hear screams from the other side of the school yard "Lets go! pick yourself up! You need to toughen up boy!" Toughen up? i get pushed down on concrete that is as hard as steel with more jagged rocks then the bottom of the fuckin sea and you want me to toughen up? i expected this from the other kids but from the teacher? Come on now this is the type of shit that makes me dream hard. I mean if i had skin made of stone i wouldn't cry and if i had the guts made of everything masculine in the world i would have been punching everyone in the eye whose made fun of me so that they could see me for what i am, me. And too often when i dream hard i actually tend to believe its true, and want to test my new stone skin with blades to wrist only to realize, reality hurts, but not as much as the words being flung at me like sling shots. "You Fagget" "Go home and cry to mommy you homo". And these words serve as testaments that life isn't really worth living when already in hell. I feel like this type of lonliness can never be surpassed, and the only place i seem to find peace, is within bathroom stalls during lunch, which towers over me protecting me from flung words and jagged rocks as if it were my own castle. I hang up pictures of my mom and dad and beg for their forgiveness for i have lied to many times about how much i love school and how i have so many friends. And i'm begging them to forgive me for what i am about to do but I thought high school was suppose to be the best years of your life but it seems like its gonna be the last years of my life. As i step on the toilet seat, tie a loop around my neck in connection with the top of the stall, i'll hang up hope and promise i will not cry. Now tell me, am i tough enough?
Growing up as a "Jock" in high school i've never really experienced being bullied but i've seen it done. But now that i'm a coach i see so many wrong things many kids and other coaches do and it pains me because those are the coaches that raised me from a freshmen to a senior so they're like family to me. But i know it doesnt justify how they neglect and tease kids either and i'm no perfect angel myself but i'm still learning. I'm sorry to all the people that i've hurt or tortured in the past. i do not know or share your pain but i can only imagine.
I tend to write a lot of my poems about the issues we face as humans on a daily bases. All from racism, sexism, misogyn, homophobia, and the list goes on. I write on all these topics because i'm a firm believer in love. Not god, nor science, but Love. I believe if we all have love in our hearts it can conquer anything and everything. We're all humans a like in appearance and the only thing that sets us apart is our genetics and our own minds. I could ramble on and on about my beliefs but i'd rather not. All in together i believe Love is everything.
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